E Pluribus Ursi


With the recent news that a black bear has attempted to move in to Northwest Indiana for the first time in 144 years, I would like to make a plea to the people of Michigan City, Indiana not to remove it, as you plan to, but rather consider the manifold reasons why you should, instead, elect it as your new president of Indiana.

1) Because Indiana is ready for a bear president.
2) Instead of petty partisan bickering, you’d have to protect your garbage cans from your democratically elected leader.
3) Attack ads from challengers to the bear’s office would be really delicately worded for fear of mauling.
4) Climate change would finally be taken seriously in politics. As would hugs. Also: funny bouncy fluffy butts.
5) State budget could be stored in a jar labeled “HUNNY” that the president would periodically get stuck on its head.
6) All diplomatic luncheons would be followed by a nap on the lawn.
7) “I don’t know, does a bear shit in the woods?” can be printed on all Indiana currency.
8) Poorly performing members of the Chicago Bears American football sports team will be fed to the president.
9) Don’t act like you wouldn’t want to watch your state’s top executive try to eat a jar of peanut butter while signing bills into law.
10) Because he was here first, mofos!

I believe I’ve made my point. And after the bear retires from politics, it can move the 58 miles to Chicago, where I will become its sidekick and we will solve mysteries together, learn about the true meaning of friendship, and have a few laughs along the way. Let’s do this, people!

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Robb Q. Telfer

Advisory Group Member at Habitat 2030
Robb Telfer is a professional performance poet and organizes volunteers for habitat restoration with The Field Museum in Chicago. He serves on the Advisory Group for Habitat 2030 and helps moderate the Calumet Nature Nerds Facebook group here. He doesn't know how to science very good, but he's trying.

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